Last year my six year old went missing in the park.
As I asked frantically if anyone had seen her, my fear mounted, burning in my stomach.
Time seemed to stop still.
I was physically shaking, as I tried to think at what point I call the police.
And then she reappeared.
She’d been gone 10 minutes as we were playing hide and seek.
But I’d panicked. She was out of sight. Not answering as we shouted.
(She was playing hide and seek for gawd’s sake why would she?)
After an overwhelming, wave of relief as I hugged her tight, I felt a bit of an idiot.
I mean, when I was six I played out for hours on end.
Out of sight of my mum. And all the other mums. We all did.
The mums were out back in the kitchen – it was the 70s! – and all us kids were at the front.
Out of sight.
When I was six, I was even allowed off the street and several blocks down.
And my mum didn’t worry. And you know what – she won’t mind me saying this – but she wasn’t the most chilled out mum in the world. She worried about stuff. But not about us being out of sight.
And it’s not like, the world was just a nicer place. Us kids had all heard about the Black Panther and Yorkshire Ripper serial killers! There were IRA bombs going off! Half the country was on strike!
There was lots to worry about.
But our mums trusted us kids – even when we were small – to look after ourselves and after each other. For big chunks of time. Out of sight, of any adult.
And now I have to say I just can’t do it. I can’t give my daughter that trust.
And the more I think about it, the more I think that matters.
If you talk to anyone teaching teenagers, they’ll tell you there is an epidemic of anxiety amongst kids today. The growing number of college kids on anxiety medication is truly frightening.
And their teachers’ll tell you these kids have no confidence to sort out their own problems. They assume they need someone to help them. And that’s overwhelming.
Of course, there are all sorts of complicated reasons behind kids’ anxiety.
But at a basic level, how can we expect kids to have the confidence to solve their problems, when we never trusted them to do so? When we denied them the space to learn to look after themself.
I so want to parent differently. I so want to give my daughter that space. That trust.
There’s some really great ideas in these classic books encouraging free play …
- Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy
- Last Child In The Woods by Richard Louv
And in my own family we’ve found these 10 simple steps to build independence really helpful.
And for more simple positive parenting tips do sign up for my newsletter …
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Mary says
I wholeheartedly agree with your points about children having to have the confidnce in themselves to make smart choices. I have 2 children 4 and 5. I will let them play in the front and backyard while I am inside. I peek at them way more than they know but they have shown this is something they can handle as they have not wandered off or gotten in too much trouble playing on their own. I also really try to allow them to work out their own disagreements between each other, and believe me there are plenty. As they get older I hope to increase their sense of independence and ability to trust themselves to make the right decisions. Thank you for the article- very though provoking.
Alice says
Thank you so much for your thoughts Mary – that independence seems so important for their development doesn’t it? But can feel hard to find the right boundaries for their freedom at the right age.