Watching yourself become the monster mother who yells.
And it doesn’t matter how great the “provocation“.
Seeing your own kids, cowering in front of you as you yell at them. As you unleash all that pent up anger and head banging frustration. There is no other word. It is heartbreaking.
But however much we hate ourselves when we’re yelling, we keep doing it.
And however small and unloveable we make not only our kids but also ourselves feel, we still yell. So what can we do? Is there actually any way as a mother to stop yelling at our kids?
Well I certainly don’t think there are any magic silver bullets that will instantly stop us yelling. There never really are in this parenting malarky are there? Whatever the “gurus” say.
However there are simple things that help.
How To Stop Yelling At Your Kids
1. Spotting The Triggers That Make Us Yell
As with so much of our self-destructive behaviour, the first steps to change are acknowledging what we’re doing – and how rubbish it makes us feel – and then spotting the triggers for the behaviour.
I found this heartfelt post from Corinne at The Pragmatic Parent very powerful.
She describes just how agonisingly miserable yelling at her kids made her feel, and how she’s learned to spot the triggers that push her over the edge.
PLUS how she finds those little pockets of space so the triggers don’t push her over the edge.
2. How To Turn Down The Triggers
But even when we know the triggers that make us yell.
Even when we know what turns into that hateful yelling mum monster.
It can be hard in the instant to find that space.
So I found this really simple instant tip from Lauren really helpful there and then in the moment when I’m actually about to start yelling.
3. Ditching The Yelling Habit
If you feel the yelling is really engrained, Amanda – a family counsellor – at Dirt & Boogers has a post on how you can really break out of those habits and stop yelling in 21 days.
4. Encouraging Our Kids To Listen
I don’t know about you but for me it’s that deep down feeling of being out of control which is definitely my biggest overall trigger for yelling.
The house being a complete tip. Work not done. Supposedly simple family stuff screwed up.
And I’m having to learn to accept there are certain things I can’t control.
But one of the things we can influence – if not control – is how much our kids listen because there are simple, simple things we can do that help our kids listen more without us yelling at them.
They’re the things we all know but in the hurley burley of our over busy lives forget to do.
Whitney at Beauty In The Mess has some quick reminders.
6. The Power Of The Positive
And I love this post from Ali at Mum In A Nutshell on the difference our own day to day behaviour makes to how much our kids “play up” and “provoke” yelling.
It’s another great reminder of the power of the positive.
7. When Our Kids Are Downright Rude
But … being brutally honest here.
There are times when our precious kids are absolutely horrible.
You know those moments – when your kids are intentionally – trying-to-provoke-you – rude.
And at those moments, I can hear myself justifying my own yelling. I mean, how dare you say that?
But whatever the provocation, the yelling doesn’t really help.
And it becomes so easy to get into a cycle of rudeness and yelling, and more rudeness and yelling.
I found this piece from Nicole at Imperfect Families really helpful in working through this.
She layouts out very clearly, why however – rightfully – angry we feel, we can’t help our kids learn not to be rude by yelling. And what we can do instead to respond to what feels so disrespectful.
So there you go.
Some thoughts and practical tips on how we really can stop yelling at our kids. I do hope they help. Let me know what works.
If these tips rang true you may also like these:
- Slower Happier Parenting
- 30 Lovely Ways To Calm Down
- Build Kids Confidence
- Help Kids With Transitions
- Help Kids Who Hate School