Yelling at our kids is heartbreaking for them and heartbreaking for us. We see scared faces cowering beneath us as our out of control monster unleashed from within screams down at them.
It is horrid and many of us want to break the cycle but parenting is hard. Kids will do stuff that makes us rightly angry. As they get older they may yell back. So how can we respond without slipping into the dark grip of out of control yelling ourselves?
It will never be easy but there are changes we can make to stop us and our kids yelling and to tackle the root causes of yelling in both our kids behaviour and our emotions.
I do hope these simple changes help you and your family break the yelling cycle.
But note I am in no way an expert, just a mother who went through it myself.
Stop The Surge
We often think we just snap and then start yelling but in reality we usually see it coming and feel anger mounting inside us. The good news here is that there's a short time in which we can stop the surge of cortisol and adrenalin which explode as yelling.
And these surprisingly tiny actions seriously can stop the surge :
- Sit down
- Count elephants to 20 i.e. one elephant, two elephants
- Turn away
- Kneel down
- Leave the room
- Hug ourselves
- Say a pray known by heart silently
- Recite favourite lyrics silently
- Lay down
- Pour and drink a glass of water
These might sound utterly pathetic but they do work at a chemical level in our bodies by counteracting anger hormones. They slow our breathing and heart rate e.g. counting, force us to focus e.g. drinking water or counter signal the adrenalin surge with a stand down message e.g. sitting down.
Pick a few to practise and call them up when you feel the anger mounting.
Unfortunately there is some bad news. These counter signals won't hold if our kids are yelling at us and keep yelling at us, as anger hormones will surge again. So we need some simple things we can do instantly to stop their screaming.
Stop Their Screaming
Endless out of control yelling in our kids can have deep rooted causes that need tackling. But right there in the moment when they are yelling we need instant circuit breakers to stop their screaming before we yell back.
The simplest circuit breaker is just to get outside. It breaks the tension of being cooped up indoors and direct daylight releases serotonin that balances stress hormones.
Once outdoors we need instant activities that burn off energy, force kids to focus physically and bizarrely balance their brains such as :
- Ride bikes
- Ride scooters
- Climb a climbing frame
- Kick a ball hard
- Hit a ball hard
- Balance on walls
- Balance on logs
- Or just walk the block!
The focus on balance may seem odd but it is a key part of brain development in kids and lots of kids go short these days from being inside so much.
Now obviously there are times when we can't get outdoors and we just need to focus on staying safe.
Stay Safe
We've all been there on planes or driving or food shopping when our kids go into melt down. There isn't at that moment a magic wand of a parenting trick we should have up our sleeves.
To be brutally honest in that moment all we can do is keep everyone safe and hold the thought that this too will pass.
But when it does pass, we do need to start thinking about what triggers the poor behaviour in our kids that pushes our buttons so hard we start yelling.
Their Real Triggers
All sorts of bad behaviour in our kids can make us yell and it is our job as parents to reject that behaviour and model better behaviour day in, day out. But a lot of the time we yell at our kids because of their general attitude and not specific behaviour e.g. :
- Arguing
- Whining
- Destructiveness
- Thoughtlessness
- Selfishness
- Violence
- Rudeness
- Laziness
- Self-destructiveness
- Carelessness
Much of this can have origins in our kids health. Tortuous time-outs, strict discipline and endless therapy will not help our kids if we don't tackle these :
- Way too much sugar!
- Lack of daylight
- Artificial colours & flavours
- Lack of physical activity - some kids need huge amounts!
- No independent exploration
- Caffeine
- Low fat diet
- Seed oils
- Screen addiction
- Lack of balancing activities
Now obviously behaviour is complex. It isn't a straight line from bad food to bad behaviour but there is a strong connection. If we want to break the bad attitude-yelling cycle we must give kids the best physical chance possible.
None of us will be perfect at this but these five feel doable :
- Half as much sugar, half as often.
- 2 hours outdoors every day including balance activities and independent exploration.
- Real food meals with good protein & full fat 4-5 days a week.
- No sodas.
- Some screen free days.
These simple changes can transform the relentless grind of crazy behaviour that makes us scream. But sometimes, if not often, it is our own problems not our kids that trigger the yelling.
Our Triggers
Parenting has never been easy but some changes in modern life have made us much less resilient to the inevitable stress. We are much more likely to lose the plot and start yelling if we are living with :
- Low level chronic health issues
- Chaos in our homes
Health & Anger
We may think we are perfectly healthy but flashes of out of control of anger are closely associated with :
Many mothers running on empty are suffering from some or all of these without realising something is wrong.
And we are particularly vulnerable when we start perimenopause in our late 30s and early 40s. So do check them out - it is really cheap and easy to get tested these days for basic nutritional deficiencies.
Home Chaos
Some of the most common triggers for mothers yelling are chaos in our homes from any of these 4 baddies :
- Clutter
- Cleaning
- Debt
- Lack of slack
They all fester inside us and feed the monster that once unleashed sets us screaming. If these are your triggers you are in the very best of company but there are simple steps we can take little by little to tackle them :
We won't eliminate these triggers overnight but chipping away at them little by little can really reduce the tension that so often overwhelms us.
So there you go, a whole bunch of simple ways in which we can help ourselves to yell less by both stopping the anger in the moment and tackling the real reasons we are screaming.
For more simple parenting tips check out my other parenting posts and follow me on Pinterest.
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